John Chard
May 20, 2014
The joke is firmly on us. I myself like a lot of cinematic offerings that require the brain to be left at the door. There's something very calming about being able to sit back and drive oneself into a movie with absolutely no worries about themes, agendas, politico posturing and etc. What shouldn't be tolerated is when film makers ask you to not only leave your brain at the door, but to also dribble with it and slam dunk it into the nearest garbage can. Alexandre Aja's 2010 redux of Piranha was a whole bunch of fun, even away from the 3D, in 2D form it had a devilish glint in its eye, but this on the other hand is an embarrassment to all involved. Who doesn't love the female form? Whatever your sexual proclivities et al, you would have to be dead to not appreciate the splendour of Eve's offspring. But when it's your main selling point, when you are only trying to please a very small movie watching demographic, then you got problems. John Gulager (director in the broadest context of the word) wants to craft a Porky's for this latest hairy palmed generation, whilst he even thinks a touch of Grindhouse might curry favour with the mall rats and skaters. Everything about this picture stinks, the acting, the hopeless attempts at suspense, badly timed jokes, poor stereotyping, laughable effects work, and on it goes. Standing up and saying it's meant to be tacky, corny and tongue in cheek just doesn't cut the mustard here, bad film making is just that, especially when it's done purely to make money. Right, I'm off to dive into a tank full of piranha fish, because that will surely be better than having to ever sit through this movie again. 1/10
